Organizing the Chaos

Posted on 18 Jan 2026 @ 7:11pm by Lieutenant JG Ryan Collingway & Commander Suzanna Batenburg

1,004 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Lathira Shoreleave
Location: USS Arawyn

///XO's quarters///

Ryan arrived at the agreed upon time. He wasn't wearing a uniform,
but comfortable casual clothing as instructed. A dark green shirt and
black sweatpants. He activated the com to her quarters, and waited.

When the chime went and Suzanna stood, "Come in." The doors opened
and Collingway walked in. "Lieutenant," Suzanna greeted and nodded. He
was dressed as she had suggested. He had contacted her about learning
to meditate, and for that casual, loose fitting clothing was more
suitable. She herself was wearing a navy blue meditation robe, it was
her old one, and she had kept it. It still looked good enough.

On the side of the dining table she had created a meditation area,
that she used regularly herself, and now had put a second pillow on the
floor for Collingway. A candle was lit on the sideboard next to it.
"Please take a seat," she said and gestured to one of the pillows, while
taking a seat herself.

"Okay," Ryan did as she suggested. The room itself was set up to be
relaxing. "I've never done this before," he said. "Meditation, I mean."
There was an edge of nervousness in his voice. He was still feeling a
bit raw from the counselling session, and he didn't know the Commander
very well.

"I understand, and I will start with the basics." Suzanna replied,
"meditation i not relaxation, it is a discipline, and results follow
with consistency, not with effort." She paused a moment to let the words
land and sink in. "Meditation will help you observe your thoughts
without attachment, that will reduce emotional interference of the
thoughts, and strength the conscious choice."

"Okay," Ryan said. "I think I would like that."

"When you sit, make sure your spine is aligned and shoulders are
relaxed." Suzanna showed the example, "keep your hands still, and relax
the muscles for your forehead so that eyes are closed, just not forced
close." She watched as Ryan followed the instruction.

Ryan corrected his posture as instructed, relaxing his shoulders and
straightening his spine. He experimented with his forehead and closed
his eyes.

Immediately his thoughts became chaotic. Erratic. He thought about
seemingly everything at once. His unexpected promotion. The
hallucination. Alura. His eyes snapped open and his breath drew in
slightly quicker. He tried to focus on the next instruction.

Suzanna noticed his eyes opening again. "Take a deep breath, and close
your eyes again. Thoughts are not a failure. We will use breathing as an
anchor, that helps when one is new to meditation." She waited a moment
for Ryan to close his eyes again, "Inhale for four seconds, hold for
two. Exhale for six. Hold for one and repeat." She showed in example,
and spoke slowly "Inhale for four seconds, hold for two. Exhale for six."
No visualisation.

Ryan tried again, following the instructions as instructed. Inhale for
four seconds.

He was sitting in front of his Commander.

Hold for two seconds.

He had lied to his Commander. What happened if she found out?

Exhale for six.

She was going to find out. She was going to find out. She was going to
find out-

Panic made him open his eyes. But she was just sitting there, her calm
eyes watching him. "This is difficult for me," he admitted. "The Eirians
said my brain had too much chaos. Doctor Emerson said I carry too much
anger. Maybe it's not built for meditation."

"It takes time to master, do not be discouraged by it. I am here to
help, not here as your XO. Everyone can learn it, even the most chaotic
brains, in fact for them it is even more important to learn it." Suzanna
replied. "Consistency is key. Thoughts are not failure, Vulcan regard
the emotional reaction to thoughts as failure." she paused again,
"observe what is happening. Notice the though, label it once, and then
release it... and then return to the breath and repeat. Inhale for four,
hold for two, exhale for 6, during the exhale, let the thought go."

Her words were calming. Disciplined. He focused on it, took a deep
breath and held it in. Once again the chaotic thoughts threatened to nip
at him. But this time he was able to remove himself from them, at least
a little bit.

Lieutenant Mendon. Guilt. The past.
Alura. Connection. Positive. Undeserved.
Mira. Full honesty. Impossible.
The Commander. Structured. Intimidating, but helpful.
Himself....no stability. Adrift.

All of his thoughts he gave labels, and released.

Ryan opened his eyes, slightly more relaxed than before. "I think I'm
getting the hang of it a little," he said.

Suzanna's expression softened slightly, "that is good, it will take time
to learn, there is a first for everything and everyone." She paused,
"when you feel an emotion, for example anger, do not say “I am angry,"
instead, say "Anger is present". Anything you can identify, label it. It
helps create a small distance. and with that, you have a measure of
control." Another pause, "emotions are physiological responses to
thoughts. Thoughts are the trigger of those responses, and the breathing
exercise is an intervention between the trigger and the response."

"I understand," Ryan said. Labelling them had certainly made him feel a bit better. Not a whole lot, and he fully expected something to turn his world upside-down tomorrow-but it gave him a small measure of control, something he had been sorely lacking. He could work with this. "Thank you, Commander."

"You are most welcome," Suzanna replied, "I recommend that you do this exercise every day, same time, and if possible the same place. I would recommend that you record the duration and mental variance." She paused, "please note, calm is not necessarily master, silence is not control and suppresion increases instability. Practice, for 5 minutes to start with, over time you can increase the duration."

Ryan nodded. "I will," he promised.

Cmdr Suzanna Batenburg
XO USS Arawyn
Everything fits, otherwise we'll make it fit.

Lt(jg) Ryan Collingway
Engineering Officer
USS Arawyn

 

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