A personal question

Posted on 26 Nov 2025 @ 2:55pm by Ensign Ryan Collingway

1,128 words; about a 6 minute read

---Viewing Room-----

Suzanna carried a PADD and a steaming mug of tea. It had been a long
day and she needed some quiet time as well as wanting to have a good
look at the alien ship. So the viewing room was her location of choice.
She walked over to the large viewports and stood there for a long
moment. Suddenly she noticed movement in the reflection of the window,
and abruptly she turned around. On the couch behind her lay someone fast
asleep, it took a moment to put the name to the face, the engineering
ensign.

Ryan had been asleep for a few hours on the couch in the viewing room,
and was completely oblivious to the doors opening or closing. Nor was he
aware of a figure standing in front of him.

It wasn't normal Alpha shift hours anymore, still it seemed odd that he
was asleep here. "Ensign," she called out, not loud, but hopefully
enough for him to hear, "Is everything ok with you?"

Ryan jolted awake at the noise, and realized who he was talking to.
"Commander," he said in surprise. He quickly checked the time while
sitting up and doing his best to straighten his uniform. "I'm sorry," he
said. "I was distracted by the view and must have fallen asleep here."
He gestured at the alien ship.

He found his padd on the ground, where he had gotten his 'encouraging'
call from his dad. "We don't usually have this kind of viewsceen in the
barracks," he added by
way of explanation.

"It is a fascinating view, Ensign. I, too, came to admire the view."
Suzanna replied.

For a moment they studied the ship in silence. Ryan hesitated. He should
offer an excuse and scamper off. But he and the Commander were alone,
and probably wouldn't be again for the conceivable future. "Commander,
may I ask a personal question?" the question came out blurted from his
lips, because it was.

Suzanna raised an eyebrow for a moment, "yes, you may, Ensign." She sat
down, on one of the couches, and put her mug of tea on the coffee table.
"What is your question?"

Ryan wiped sleep from his eyes and took a moment to phrase it correctly.
"I heard you came from the Erasmus, and I understand that the ship
doesn't hold great memories for you. I...came from the Thysia, and it
was a somewhat similar situation. Most hands lost, I was responsible for
one of those lives."

The air was pronounced as he asked his question. "How do you do it?
Every time I try to move forwards, some days I find myself right back to
square one. Is there some kind of Vulcan technique you could recommend?
I've tried to research the subject, without much luck."

Her expression softened, it was not something she had really talked
about with anyone, but she could see it was something that really
bothered Collingway, and if she could help in anyway, she wanted to. She
took a long moment to think on how best to start answering. It was not a
simple, black and white answer. "Some days better than others. Over
time, it has gotten easier." Suzanna said initially, "my hybrid
background means I have learned many techniques to control and
compartmentalise my emotions, add the Vulcan focus on logic has helped.
However my human half has found it difficult to accept the findings of
the Starfleet inquiry." Suzanna paused, "at times when memories flood
back.... meditation helps me. If I cannot do it at the time, due to
duty, I comparmentilise it until I can mediate and process it."

"I don't think some parties were happy with my Starfleet inquiry," Ryan
muttered quietly. "Meditation. Thank you Commander. That sounds logical.
I can't help but feel like I could deal with this easier, if I was a
Vulcan. I am...envious."

Suzanna raised an eyebrow when she heard the muttered sentence,
"Starfleet inquiries are rigorous and fair. Why would someone not be...
happy with the outcome of that?" It would appear that the young ensign
was carrying more than the burden of feeling responsible for someone's
death.

Ryan sighed. "The officer in question was a Benzite. There's...what-one of those in Starfleet for every three thousand officers? They're pretty rare. Benzites are also extremely meticulous. They tried to contact me recently, believing that some details were missing," he explained.

Suzanna nodded, "Benzites can be overbearing." She paused and thought for a moment, "You have no obligation to answer more questions than to the Starfleet Inquiry. How long ago did this happen and if you want to, can you tell me more of what happened?" She didn't want to pry, but try and help if possible.

"Seven months ago." Ryan gave a brief, incorrect story, the same he had given to Starfleet. But this time was different. His internal walls had already taken a beating with Alura and Counselor Emerson over the past few days. The call from home and lack of sleep didn't help. But in his mind, lives were on the line. He tried to do his best anyway.

And lied to his own XO.

"Ultimately, I was responsible for what happened, and a senior officer was killed," Ryan finished, truthfully believing that.

Suzanna sensed there was more to it, but that was something he was not going to pry out of him. Starfleet had cleared him in the inquiry, and that was enough. "Seven months is not a long time in your past. It is logical that you are still struggling with what happened. You have no obligation to answer more questions if you are not ready to do so."

"Being Vulcan is not necessarily easier, our emotions are much stronger
than humans, it was a necessity to learn these techniques to stop the
constant strive and war that was the in the past of our planet. Surak
was able to unite us with the focus on logic. Those that disagreed left,
and formed the Romulans. History aside... these are techniques that
anyone can learn." Suzanna said answering the earlier comment he had made.

Ryan nodded. "I would like to. If there's a particular lesson you could recommend, I would appreciate it."

"I have created some holodeck programs with meditation teachings, including advanced once with some Kolinahr teachers. We can run some of those together, to get you started. And then you can continue on your own, if you wish," Suzanna offered, she wanted to help the young officer.

"Thank you Commander, I appreciate that," Ryan said, brightening a little. He wished her a good night, and left for his quarters.

Cmdr Suzanna Batenburg
Executive Officer
Everything fits, otherwise we'll make it fit!

Ensign Ryan Collingway
Engineering Officer

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